“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.”
During Christmas break, I saw the movie version of the book Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Reece Witherspoon portrayed Strayed in a heart-wrenching, gritty autobiographical look at her life. It was a movie that I couldn't quit thinking about, so I decided to read the book. I’m glad I did.
While the movie was incredible, I found the descriptions and passages in the book drawing me in even more. The theme of the book is personal confrontation, as Strayed honestly tells about her life and all the mistakes that led to her to make the decision to hike the PCT.
Don’t forgo this read if you think it’s all about hiking. Strayed admittedly made huge mistakes when hiking; wearing shoes too small and carrying a pack that was more than half her weight. Obviously this is not a “how to” for hikers.
What this novel is about, however, is a journey of self-discovery and exorcising personal demons she’d let take over her life. Her physical perseverance is something to behold. When she talks about her bloody feet and all the sores on her body from her pack, I cringed. Each time she encountered another person on the trail, my heart was in my throat wondering what kind of psycho she was about the meet. I mean, it took guts and determination to do something like this alone. But it was the grief that she described that resonated with me. She was thoroughly undone when her mom died of cancer, and she spiraled out of control while trying to come to terms with that.
“I didn't get to grow up and pull away from her and bitch about her with my friends and confront her about the things I'd wished she'd done differently and then get older and understand that she had done the best she could and realize that what she had done was pretty damn good and take her fully back into my arms again. Her death had obliterated that. It had obliterated me. It had cut me short at the very height of my youthful arrogance. It had forced me to instantly grow up and forgive her every motherly fault at the same time that it kept me forever a child, my life both ended and begun in that premature place where we'd left off. She was my mother, but I was motherless. I was trapped by her, but utterly alone. She would always be the empty bowl that no one could full. I'd have to fill it myself again and again and again.”
The PCT hike is an effort to get control of her life back and to get back on the road to being the person her mom knew she could be. She leaves all her material possessions behind and gets back to nature where she reflects on her life, her choices and what she now knows is important. Her grief is gut-wrenching. Her writing is incredible. The nuggets of truth that can be gleaned from this book are many. Read it. You won't be sorry.
“I’m a free spirit who never had the balls to be free.”
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